next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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