can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
