im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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