Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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