the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize