I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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