I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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