If i come over, it means nothing
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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