Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize