Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
