Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
