His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
