just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My liver just broke up with me...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
