My friends, they love my intelligence
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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