I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you traded sex for a burrito?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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