areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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