I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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