Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
