Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
