At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
