i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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