I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
