I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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