she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
