Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize