the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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