I haven't been this sober since birth.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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