You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
