I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
