HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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