She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
