I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
