I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
