Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
