I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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