Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
