Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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