Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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