This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
