I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
