i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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