dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize