I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You're like the curious george of whores
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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