you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
