Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
