opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
how drunk are you?
Several
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
