Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize