Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
