I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize