I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
