Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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