my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
