i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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