discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
