I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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