I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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