Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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