there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
