Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
