dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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