she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
