Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
