I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
